


Importance

by Weevilo707



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Because fuck canon, Gamzee redemption, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pale, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Sad Gamzee, Sad Karkat, so much crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:15:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9408890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weevilo707/pseuds/Weevilo707
Summary: Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of meRemember when I broke you down to tearsI know I took the path that you would never want for meI gave you hell through all the years





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MoonPaw17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonPaw17/gifts).



You always knew that this was what your life was for, this is what you were meant to do and the reason why your gods had made you into the being you are. Maybe you didn’t know it was gonna be exactly this, but you knew you’d know your calling when you found it, and you did. You didn’t hesitate when you knew you had to go and serve your most holy messiah with all your motherfucking soul. 

Tried not to hesitate, at least. Told yourself that it was all more important than anything else you could’ve ever done with your existence. More important than anything you might have wanted. 

More important than Karkat. 

You tried to put off telling him, thought maybe you could still have both your god and Karkat if you tried hard enough. Became clear soon enough that you couldn’t though. You needed to make sacrifices, needed to sacrifice those most important things to you to be worthy of being a servant of the mirthful messiah. And Karkat was so, so important. No way you could be who you were made to be if you were selfish enough to keep holding onto something so wonderful. 

Didn’t make it a single shade easier to watch as you shattered Karkat’s diamond and made him cry tears all bright red and beautiful, same color as the messiah you officially devoting yourself to with this. Tore your bloodpusher into fucking pieces seeing him confused and sad and not able to understand _why_ you were doing this. The more you tried to explain the more upset he got and there wasn’t a single motherfucking thing you could do to help him because you were the one causing the hurt. Couldn't comfort him, as much as you wanted to. You weren't his moirail anymore. 

Made it all the fuck easier not to go back afterward though. You didn’t wanna see that bright and beautiful motherfucker all broken down by your hands and words ever again. You know he has other motherfuckers to take care for him. He don’t need you around, you’ve only ever been the one needing. What you’re doing is too important though, and so you can’t need him anymore. 

Once that tie was severed there was nothing holding yourself back from the complete devotion your god needed. Every single bullet and blade and blast that beat you bloody and broken was easy to take with a smile. You didn’t need to speak because there wasn’t anything that you could say that mattered anymore. You’re just a vessel for your messiah to do with as he needs. Nothing else was important. 

That was all you needed. The only important thing that could be made of your life. You never really had a choice either, your messiah had chosen you and made sure every little bit of you was sculpted to do just what he needed.

When all them motherfucking heretics came to try and tear down your messiah, shouldn’t have been a thing capable of stopping you from protecting him. You’d die a million times if he asked you to, and you’d not die just as many for him, which was arguably worse. There wasn’t a single thing left for you to have more devotion to than your god. Your mind and blessed motherfucking soul were cleared and wiped clean and tethered to him and him alone. 

Then you saw Karkat, strong and determined to fight and pain in his holy red eyes at the sight of you standing in the shadow of your god and it ruined _everything._

He didn’t speak to you, didn’t try and sway you from your calling and purpose. Just gave you a look full of all the hurt and betrayal you threw at him and then turned away from you, more painful than anything he could have said. Left you frozen and motherfucking worthless to assist in your messiah’s plan. Left your whole self and being worthless.

The only thing you could do was watch as they broke your god down. Watch as Karkat leaned on and was held up by all those fuckers you knew would take care of him. You always knew that he never needed you, it shouldn’t hurt so bad to see. 

The blaring sound of your messiah’s voice finally broke you out of your uselessness. An angry raging command to attack, to kill every single last one of these motherfuckers and paint the walls with their blood. You had no choice. You never had a motherfucking choice as you drew your strifekind, looking at Karkat before you closed your eyes and swung, spilling bright holy red blood. 

You felt yourself collapse to the ground, keeping your eyes closed and refusing to look and see what you’d done. Everything so motherfucking silent, you thought sure for a moment that you’d been stricken down deaf. 

The crying out that finally cut the silence was just as bad, and you didn’t try and resist when a body crashed into you, nearly knocking you even further to the ground somehow. 

It takes you a long while to be able to parse together what just happened.

You don’t deserve to be able to hug him, but Karkat’s clinging to you and he’s crying again because of you and you’re shaking so fucking bad. You wrap your arms around him and bury your face in his hair so that you don’t have to look at what you’ve done. Don’t gotta look at your sin and failure, your motherfucking messiah and god and purpose stricken down by your own selfishness. 

You can’t follow much of what happens next. It don’t fucking matter, everything you thought you were supposed to do you just threw away. You let Karkat pull you to your feet, lead you off through an almost familiar door and into somewhere alone. 

“Sorry,” you say, your voice hoarse and quiet and broken from nearly a sweep without use, not since you left him crying and devastated. You ain’t even sure what you’re apologizing for, murdering your messiah or leaving Karkat or all that and so much more. You’re just _so fucking sorry._

“Shh, it’s okay,” Karkat tells you, wiping away tears you hadn’t realized had spilled and speaking to you for the first time since you shattered his diamond and you don’t understand how he can forgive you so motherfucking easily. 

“’m sorry, so sorry. You didn’t deserve, sorry,” you can’t stop apologizing, and Karkat lets you pull him into a hug this time and you never fucking deserved him. He should have cut you down where you stood. He would’ve had every right to. Instead he lets you cling to him and cry into his shoulder while you’re all covered in blood all bright red as his own, saying soft gentle things at you and running careful fingers through your hair all matted and tangled from perigees of neglect. 

You don’t have much of an idea on how long you stay like that, but as much as you thought your tears would never stop flowing as some sort of final curse from your god, slowly they begin to dry up. Karkat’s still here with you, talking to you the entire time and trying to salvage what he can of your hair with his claws. Doesn’t stop assuring you that he’s there and it’s okay, it’s going to be okay now. 

Finally you pull back and actually look at him, and there are streaks down his cheeks from tears, but they’re all dried now. Still hurts fucking deep reminded that you made him cry again, but there’s a smile on his face and you can’t fucking understand. 

“Brother I don’t, it don’t make no fucking sense. Hurt you, left you. Nothing but worthless meaningless scum. I don’t understand,” your throat shoots with pain with each word you speak, rubbed raw from the crying, but you can’t not speak anymore. You need to know why, how could he want anything to do with you anymore?

“You absolute fucking idiot,” Karkat says and the fondness in his voice breaks your bloodpusher all over again. “I wanted to kill you, I was so goddamn scared I was going to. You have no fucking idea how relieved I was when you did that, holy shit,” he says, and you don’t know you could have possibly earned Karkat’s forgiveness. You chose him over your messiah this time, but only after you threw him away like he wasn’t the perfect bright diamond you could never come close to deserving. 

He reaches up and wipes more stray tears away from your eyes again and you’re sure that any paint you had on washed away and you don’t think you could ever put it back. You don’t motherfucking deserve to wear the paint after such a horrible sin. 

“Just. Please don’t leave me again, _please,”_ Karkat fucking begs you, a hand still resting gentle on your face and you couldn’t deny him for all the world. 

“Won’t. Can’t, couldn’t ever fucking hurt you again,” you tell him and you don’t think you’ve ever meant something more in your entire life. 

You don’t deserve for him to have you back, don’t deserve this beautiful perfect holy colored troll, willing to forgive you despite everything you’ve done to hurt him, but if he’ll have you you’re not gonna refuse. You’re too motherfucking selfish to do anything else but take everything he has to give. 

“Pale for you, never stopped being. Shouldn’t’ve ever let you think otherwise,” you tell him. It’s like unleashing a flood admitting that. You never let yourself when you were with your messiah. You couldn’t, you weren’t allowed to. Your mirthful motherfucking destiny was too important. 

“Pale for you too,” Karkat says, and you pull him into another tight hug. 

Fuck your destiny. Karkat is more important than all of it.

**Author's Note:**

> A super fun cathartic gamkar hurt comfort gift for moonpaw17! this was really fun to write and I hope you like it! I absolutely love pale gamkar and I never get a chance to write it, so thanks! 
> 
> Summary from I Bet My Life by Imagine Dragons. 
> 
> as always thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


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